A men’s circle turned out to be just what I needed.
I’ve just been to my first men’s circle and it was an eye opener. You might be surprised to hear that my clothes stayed on, and that there were no crystals in sight. And now? Now my mind is calm. So calm. Like the big things have been said and the show reel can rest for a bit in my mind.
What’s a men’s circle?
A men’s circle, (or a women’s circle for that matter) is a group of people, sat in a circle, sharing and being heard. The concept is as old as civilisation (this version is thanks to the first nation’s people of North America) and has many forms in different cultures. But the essence as with many good ideas is the same – it is a safe space for sharing.
How it worked
We gathered at the venue for a monthly session. Firstly there was a bit of socialising and catching up as many of the group had clearly become friends. It felt like a summer BBQ between mates. Then we sat around a table together and got started.
- Ground rules – briefly laid out by the circle facilitator; no reply when people share, nothing leaves this room, don’t raise topics when you meet on the street unless the sharing person does first, etc.
- What’s going on – We took a sheet of A4 paper and pen, drew a circle and divided it into Mind, Body, Spirit and Emotions. Then took 5 minutes to each write the things that were happening for us in each of the areas. At first I didn’t know what to write, but as I got a few things down I found the page filled with the things that were going on in my life.
- Check in – We went around the room one by one with each person ‘checking in’ and sharing whatever they wanted to about what was happening in their lives. As little or as much as they wanted to. While each person talked, the others looked, nodded but otherwise just listened. When my turn came I started reading about a new client I was thinking about and preparing for as a safe place to start, then before I knew it I had shared what I was feeling, the big projects I’m working on and the normal human worries we all have from time to time. Then it was over just a few minutes later and I was listening to the next guy.
- Reflections – Then we had a bit of a chat including congratulations and commiserations to those who shared major events had occurred. There was a sense of mateship in the room that normally takes years to build. The way people react to each other after a long hike or mountain biking trip together when they have had a chance to talk out what needs talking out.
- Check out – We closed the session going around the circle and sharing what we were grateful for. There were warm thanks for the host, for others listening and for the group and the support it brings to each bloke’s life.
- Hang out – Tea and coffee was on offer as folks chatted afterwards. A number of members remarked that they were glad to ‘get that off my chest’. A really relaxed atmosphere resulted. Looking on the group at that point you’d think they were lifelong friends, not people who had at that point met for 8 monthly sessions.
What I loved
- Being able to talk without interruption felt so good. I slowed down, didn’t rush and each thought was fully formed.
- The feeling of safety that was created by knowing I could talk and I would be listened to
- The sense of community that resulted from the sharing and the listening. The feeling of camaraderie I was left with. This felt like being in that great mythical group of lifelong friends that we often see portrayed on TV. And yet it was created in such a simple and organic way through the process of hearing each other.
- The calm that comes from just listening without responding. Not having to respond took the pressure off listening to each guy, unlike a normal chat with someone who is going through something, where I might not know what to say or how to support them.
- As others shared their daily worries, I realised that a) they are just like me and b) I’m not alone. This may be the most powerful realisation of the day, especially for people who have been locked inside and isolated for the best part of 2 years in recent times.
- The feeling that I was doing something that was really good for me, without getting up at dawn, without breaking a sweat and without a hefty bill (each session costs a fiver for venue hire).
- The feeling that this thing that felt so good for me was also really good for others.
- Realising that listening, just listening, like your Grandma might have done when you were young and had a bruised toe, is the one of the biggest gifts we can give another person. I wanted to see this in everyone’s life and I got excited thinking what the world would be like as a result of people having the space to voice their worries and leave them behind.
- The examples all around me of men who were noticing things happening in their lives, talking them out and really getting somewhere. We had people sorting things out in both work and home lives and several examples of people having realised and stepped into their dream jobs.
What I found challenging
- Not knowing what to expect. It seemed a bit hoodoo guru to start with, I’d seen comedies on TV and associated the circle with AA meetings you’ll often see the hard-luck cop hero attending. Yet it turned out to be a bunch of normal people who were each on their own journey of healing and self-discovery, helping each other by just being in a room listening.
- Sharing with strangers. It felt strange to share things that I’m worried about or working on with a bunch of people I didn’t yet know. Opening up doesn’t come naturally to men who grew up in the 60s-90s. But they being so supportive and well, normal really helped
- Listening without responding when someone sat next to you is pouring their heart out felt weird at first, then like it was the most healthy and helpful response all along.
Conclusion:
I’ll be a regular in this group and am full of gratitude for it. In a world full of noise and where people are becoming increasingly isolated, we all just need to be listened to. It turns out that listening is almost as calming as the sharing is, and that being heard is best of all. Much like yoga, I hope to see men’s circles (and perhaps people’s circles) growing over time. They just make sense and I am caught up in the thought of what the world would be like if everyone had a group they could go to once a month to share their worries and do the same for others. I bet a quick web search will find one near you if you’d like to try it for yourself.